


How Appropriate, You Fight Like a Klingon

by singingintime (laulan)



Category: Monkey Island, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Innuendo, Insults, Ridiculousness, Swordfighting, battles of wits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-27
Updated: 2009-07-27
Packaged: 2019-06-28 05:41:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15700962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laulan/pseuds/singingintime
Summary: On a mission, Captain Kirk must participate in a ritual sword fight that demonstrates his mental acuity. Sulu is less than amused by the results. (Or, the Monkey Island/Star Trek crossover you never knew you needed.)





	How Appropriate, You Fight Like a Klingon

**Author's Note:**

> A fill for [this prompt](https://st-xi-kink.livejournal.com/7586.html?nojs=1&thread=19237538) at the kink meme: "Two words: Insult Swordfighting.
> 
> (This anon has been playing Monkey Island a bit too much lately.)
> 
> Anyone? It would be greatly appreciated. "
> 
> Original note: MONKEY ISLAND boy I have so many other things I should be doing, but I can't pass this up, because MONKEY ISLAND. I guess this is sort of a crossover? And totally cracktastic, and there's no rhyming, and a couple of TOS/TNG references, and, uh, uh, I hope it pleases you, in any case. <3 Someone else can totally take up this awesome mantle a second time, too, if they so wish.

"Lieutenant Sulu, I feel I must inquire as to whether you are feeling at optimum health. You appear to be distressed," said Spock.  
  
Sulu curled his fists a little tighter. "I'm fine, Commander," he grit out between clenched teeth. "Totally fine. Just a little--annoyed. Nothing I can't handle, though."  
  
"Indeed?" asked Spock, quirking an eyebrow. "Annoyed by what, if I might ask without overstepping bounds?"  
  
Sulu bit back a growl of anger as he watched the two men fighting before them. "It's just--" he managed, and waved a frustrated hand at the pair. "I get that this is a ceremonial fight, I _do_ ," he said. "And I get that this, like, showcases their mental strength, blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda. And I get that it's necessary. But it's just... " he trailed off, mouth twisting. "Fencing is an art, you know? It's about balance, and precision, and _strategy_ , not--"  
  
"You fight like a tribble!" cried the man.  
  
"How appropriate," grunted Kirk in reply, "you fight like a Klingon!"  
  
They lunged forward and engaged in another bout of swordplay, parrying each other in a careful dance that ended with Kirk's sword at the other man's neck.  
  
"--not _ridiculous insults_ ," groaned Sulu.  
  
"I find I must agree with you, Lieutenant," said Spock as he observed the pair, _sotto voce_. "I do not find these insults at all logical. For instance, while a Klingon is capable of handling a 'sword,' I believe the traditional _bat'leth_ , which more closely resembles a Terran scimitar than a sword, would be a Klingon's first choice of weapon in a fight. Furthermore, a tribble is not physically capable of swordfighting at all, and so the contemplation of a swordfight between a tribble and Klingon is utterly pointless. However," he added, mentally sighing, "it is tradition, and therefore we must adhere with it, no matter how--difficult."  
  
"My sword is famous all over the quadrant!" claimed Kirk's opponent, eyes narrowing as he surged against Kirk.  
  
"My _dick_ is famous all over the quadrant," countered Kirk, leaping forward to parry the attack. "Too bad nobody's heard of _YOURS_ at all!"  
  
Sulu made a trampled noise and put his head in his hands. " _Ruining--a beautiful institution--_ " he got out.  
  
"I hope you've got a ship primed for getaway," gasped the challenger from beneath the point of Kirk's sword.  
  
"Why, did you want to borrow one?" Kirk quipped. Grinning viciously, he stepped forward one last time and had the man at his feet within moments. Spock breathed an internal sigh of relief, glad the ordeal was nearing completion.  
  
"Finally," moaned Sulu.  
  
Kirk approached, then, panting with exhilaration. His blue eyes were gleaming with the pleasure of a fight hard-won.  
  
"Got us an audience with Pirate Captain Mopwood," he informed them, grinning and wiping his hair off his forehead.  
  
"Threepwood!" came a call from over their shoulders. "Captain Guybrush Threepwood!"  
  
"Sounds more like a hull inspector than a pirate captain," grumbled Sulu under his breath, as they turned smartly to face the advancing delegation.  
  
 _Yet another fascinating day as Science Officer on the starship **Enterprise** ,_ thought Spock.


End file.
